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A quiet existence

Since turning 40 in October 2018, life has been a turbulent world wind which has fortunately given me the kick up the backside to believe in myself again. Life was extremely good during the last months of my 30's, but I was hit by an unexpected situation that turned my life upside down at the beginning of 2019. From being happy, content, financially stable. Having so many amazing plans, ideas and solutions to making the lives of myself and my boys better, I ended up hitting rock bottom. Not through any fault of my own, but due to my circumstances changing and parenting becoming more challenging. Whilst at the time I may have thought I was content. When I look back I realise I had lost myself. It was difficult maintaining friendships and relationships and I found it difficult to cope with my depression and anxiety, which had been brought on with the fact that my oldest son went to live with his dad. I was riddled with guilt because I thought I had failed. But I forgot to praise myself for the amazing job I had done until that point.  You see, it's hard raising black boys in today's society, because as you know they are stereotyped and given a bad name before they even have the chance to prove themselves.  What society has caused is an easy route for our youths to go down, which is glamourised for them. This road life, gang culture which is filled with money and materialistic possessions influences those who are naive. When I say naive, I mean these kids are oblivious to the dangers and have no fear. They have a poor judgement of character and make the wrong choices. As a parent, you can only do your best and more, but should that child ignore your love, support and guidance, unfortunately there is not much more you can do except be there to support, love them and pick up thr pieces.  Since having turned my life around, I found that a quiet lifestyle has helped me figure out certain things I've needed to focus on. Sometimes when you are caught up with social media and being in the limelight constantly, you lose wind of reality and end up portraying an image that isn't real just to keep up with the hype. There is nothing better than being real and true to yourself. There is nothing wrong with everyone not knowing your business or plans. When too many people know the ingoings and outgoings of your life you sometimes find that your goals take longer to be fulfilled. 

Not everyone wishes you well. They may smile to your face and pretend to support you, but behind your back, they are hoping you fail. So I've decided to take a step back, analyse my life and plan behind doors where I can reflect, act on and succeed. Having some time out from social media has helped me to focus on the things I want in life, but also know what I do not want.  Sometimes social media encourages people to focus on what everyone else is doing and this in turn then affects a persons ability to look at their own successes and be thankful. I want my life decisions to be based on my own goals and aspirations. Not anyone elses. I want to live my best life and when I say this, I mean I want to live a life full of love, excitement, positivity and meaning. I want to be happy and I want my children to be happy. I don't want any more drama, negativity, fake friends or gold diggers constantly looking for hand outs when they clearly are not trying to help themselves. I want to create personal abundance in  my life and I want to focus on what to attract.  The only way I am going to do this is by putting my thoughts into action and living a quiet existence for the meantime.

2020 is going to be my year. I can feel it. 

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