How to find 'the one'?!
Many people, who have been single for some time, often question the reason why they are still single. Is it due to the fact that they're not attractive? Are they lacking something powerful enough to draw the attention of the opposite sex? Have they lost hope in finding their soul mate? Or, is it the fact that they feel no one is out there to fit their criteria?
After six years of being single, I doubted ever being in a stable relationship again, because I felt I wasn't ready to love any one, other than my children. I found every excuse to keep busy, just not to be reminded that I had no one in my life. Sometimes, I became anxious and wondered if I would ever step up from being just the single mum that everyone knew me as. What I didn't realise, was that I was being impatient.
Although, I kept the faith that someone was out there waiting for me, I knew 'he' just hadn't found me yet. I never doubted that I wasn't worthy of the girlfriend title. I never questioned why I was alone, because I knew why. I knew I wasn't ready and I was preparing myself in order for that man to come into my life with open arms. If I was complete within myself, everything that came into my life after would be a bonus.
In my experience, I've come to realise that love isn't something you find, it finds you, especially when you least expect it. Being patient and open minded is crucial, because if you don't remain patient, you become eager and make the wrong choices. When you eventually find love at whatever point in your life, you'll be thankful that you waited, because the person that walks into your life and steals your heart, will make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.
You have to love when you're ready, not when you're feeling lonely, because when you're lonely, you'll end up looking for love for the wrong reasons.
A vast amount of people seem to be single these days because they can't find someone to match their standards and they refuse to settle for less than they deserve. Or, it's simply because they want someone who doesn't want them back, so they play the waiting game.
For a long time I had an image of the kind of man I wanted in my future. I wanted him to earn an annual six digit wage. I dreamed of him being tall, dark and handsome. I wanted him to be established in his own business, own his own home, drive a flash car. But every man I found in that category, never actually saw me in the way I saw them. I'd put them on a pedestal, when in fact I wasn't even treated like their 'Queen.'
The men I met never wanted to take the time to know my personality, because they were always attracted to what they saw on the outside. I always believed that I could get any man I wanted, but it always seemed to result to more of a lust feeling than that of love. I knew what I liked, but I didn't know if who I liked, actually liked me and I wanted that person to like me, for more than just what was on the outside.
After years of disappointment, I figured out there was a serious problem that I needed to change and fast, but it took me several failed relationships to realise that I was searching for love in the wrong places. It had to start within me. I needed to work on myself. I didn't need any man to buy me anything, because I was capable of making my own money, doing the things I enjoyed. Being happy, positive, loving and God fearing was enough to draw the man who saw my beauty from within. With those key elements in place, I'd be able to embrace love when it arrived.
What is important about being in love, is that you find someone who knows all your flaws, weaknesses, mistakes and still thinks you are absolutely amazing.
I think a lot of the time when we want to be in a relationship, we want a person to validate us. We want them because we think they can make us feel better about ourselves. But what is very sad about the whole scenario, is that we often then overlook the people who worship the ground we walk on.
There were times I had close male friends, who liked me, but I never looked at them in any other way, but only as my friends. It wasn't because I didn't think they wouldn't treat me right, or couldn't step up to the role of being my partner. I just wasn't attracted to them in that way. There just didn't seem to be any chemistry on my part. The worst thing was, due to my lack of interest, I unintentionally treated them badly, the same way I got treated by the people I actually liked. If I had just found the time to get to know them properly, acknowledged them and appreciated our friendship on another level, I probably would have built on something special. Maybe, if my standards hadn't had been so high and I had analysed my preferences, I would have realised that there was difference between the both.
Tony Gaskins a relationship expert from America, states that in order for you to avoid losing out on your ideal man, you have to differentiate between your standards and your preferences.
Standards are things like this:
- He goes to church.
- He is faithful.
Preferences are things like this:
- He must be no older than 3 yrs.
- He must have a good job.
- He must drive a flash car.
The difference between the two is that:
"Standards are based on a person’s morals, values, and character. Preferences are things based on things a person can't change and things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of love. A man may be 5'6 and although you may not like that because he doesn't make you feel secure, if he's going to be faithful and communicate then he's a great catch!"
We waste so much time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love story. As I have heard before, “You come to love by not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
I now know, that I want a man who steals my heart through his kindness. I want a best friend who will be there to laugh and cry with me. I want someone who loves me as much as I love him. I want someone I can travel with, shop with, sleep with and live with. Someone I can make money with and build with. Someone I can trust with my heart, to the point he will have no intention of breaking it. I want a partner for life. And thank God, I have now found that man. He was the young man who watched me daily as I grew from the age of 17 into an adult. He is the man who witnessed me change into a woman and become a mother. He is the man who saw me struggle for many years and constantly offered help, which I rejected. He is the man I turned down every time he asked me on a date. He is the man who liked me for 20 years even though he gave up on me at one point, because he felt he didn't stand a chance, because I was too busy paying attention to those who didn't care about me.
Although he stayed in my life, he was happy to remain as my friend. He made time for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He was the perfect gentlemen, who opened doors for me to walk through. He always made sure my kids and I were well on a regular basis. He complimented the way I looked whenever our paths crossed. But most of all, he was always there to fill me with positive thoughts and praise me for all my efforts. What I never realised is that we had so much in common and in fact there was actually a connection, deeper than chemistry.
We may now be together after many years, but we had to experience life in order to know what we wanted. Now that we lock hand in hand and stand together as one, I hope the Lord above keeps us bonded.
Being in a relationship that works, requires good communication, honesty, trust and respect, and I know with this man, I now call my 'King', I trust him to place my heart in his hands.
"Finding love is like finding shoes. Sometimes, people go after the good looking ones, but they end up choosing the one they feel comfortable in."
Make sure that you're not single for the wrong reasons, but also make sure that you are ready to love.