When do things ever go right?
It's funny how life has a way of presenting itself.. You go through life always planning and hoping for the best, when in fact you have to face many downs before you reach that level of best.
The funniest thing is that people also expect life to bless them with those greatest moments, but the reality of it all, is that you're the only person who can give yourself what you deserve. How many times have you reflected on your choices in life? Or, looked at all your failed relationships and fake friends? What about the pointless people which had no substance around you and the stressful jobs which contributed to your unhappiness? How many of you have become anxious or depressed because you've calculated the amount of debt that you've accumulated over the years and you wasn't sure how you were going to get yourself out of that rut? I'm sure many of you can admit to this, because I know I can. Although, as we know, there has always been a solution or way out. Sometimes I have thought to myself, why? Why can't life just be smooth sailing? But, in honesty if life was so simple we wouldn't have any drive to improve ourselves or have a better quality of life. When things are not going according to plan, many of us have this mechanism inside us that pushes us to not accept that fate. We do everything in our power to grab every opportunity with open arms. I have always said that it's extremely important that we maintain focus even in the hardship of times, to motivate ourselves to achieve our goals. I for one have always pushed harder when I'm at my lowest point. It's like I have to hit rock bottom in order to see that I've only sunk for a short time, but it's cool to just let myself float back on top again. That inner drive I have, has always stopped me from being defeated. Although, not everyone can rise to the top through struggle and trust me, it's not easy, especially if you have been through some difficult times. But, what's worse? Giving up? Not trying? Or saying, to hell with this, I'm winning? What I have found works for me, is that I visualise the place where I want to be and soon it becomes my reality. I get so use to the visualisation that it feels very real. I want it so bad, that it suddenly falls into place. At the beginning of the year, I was faced with a decision that no mother wants to make, but for the sake of the safety of my son and sanity of myself, I decided to make my oldest son live with his father. As a single mother, raising an adolescent, I realised I couldn't do it alone. Not that I ever wanted to do it alone, but I was faced with society and social media sucking my son into a world he refused to see as dangerous and because of this, he was starting to loose respect for himself and others. I have always said, I will never allow my son to become a statistic. But, unfortunately opportunities for young boys, especially young black boys living in London right now are lacking. This is contributing to the rise in crime and deaths, as well as the lack of guidance and police. Not every child is a thug, but if it's drilled in their heads by stereotyping, then these kids start to lose any hope of becoming anything but a thug. I am hoping that my son opens his eyes and appreciates all that I have fought for over the years to keep him off the streets and he learns to find himself in the process. He still is a good boy who loves his mum, football and the fun things in life. I guess his peers are playing a big part in him wanting to be like everyone else. When in fact, he will always be unique and very special to me. Mothers, it's vital in today's world, that these boys have a father figure in their lives. We cannot do it alone. Yes, many women can raise young men alone and they turn out well. But, each child has different needs, require different support and sometimes one parent is not enough. I thank God that my sons father has stepped up and supported me at my time I felt I had failed. But, going through all of this, has actually taught me that no matter how strong I am, I cannot teach a man how to be a man. What I've done up until this point, is more than my best. I have been the best mother any woman could be. I have loved so hard, it has hurt. I have cried so much, I have felt I have had no more tears to shed. The day my son left to live with his father, my heart broke and it is still broken, but I continue to stay in touch, remind him of my love for him and I continue to be a part of his life, so he knows I haven't given up on him. Working alongside his father is a new process, but as long as my son can see we are both on the same page, it will teach him that there are boundaries and he can't play us both against each other. I thought this year was going to be one of my hardest years I would ever have to face, but this year already has taught me that I am stronger than I thought. I have so much ahead of me regardless of my circumstances and I still have another son living with me who deserves love and attention. This year has also made me realise that I want more from life and so much more from myself and I'm pushing for amazing things. I want to succeed in everything I put down on paper. I want my actions to speak louder than my words and eventually, in my future, I want to have my beautiful home, an amazing husband and a fruitful life. I deserve each and every one of these things. I have learned that things will come to me if I reach out for them, but that will all come in time. I just have to have faith, keep praying and hope that the universe with bless me with those amazing things. I can definitely say that I have been blessed recently. I am working on job prospects and I'm working on love. Love for myself, love for my work and I hope to find a soulmate for me. No matter which order they come, love will play a very important role in my life. I will have love for my family, my boys, my true friends and the future man that I hope to meet. The man who will appreciate me enough to make me his Queen. I want a man who is going to grow with me, work with me, push me to achieve, the way I will support him with his ventures. I want us to travel together, build together and laugh together. You see, life has a funny way of presenting itself. Who knows, this love of mine could be right in my face right now and I don't even know it. But, I have faith, because I trust in the process and I have trust in time.