When doing your best is not enough
Have you ever felt at some point in your life that you've been going around in circles doing the same old thing on a daily basis and you can't seem to break that circle?
Your mind tells you to change course, but for some reason your body can't move. No matter how much you try, you're stuck in the same direction. You feel like you're trying your best, but your best is not enough. All you want to do is embrace life to the fullest, enjoy every moment and fulfill goals that others may have said that are impossible. But the impossible seems inevitable.
Becoming a mother for me wasn't an issue. I felt maternal from the age of 18 when I used to see other mothers with their babies. I had always wanted to share all the love I had with someone precious, like my mother had done with me. I never doubted not being able to handle motherhood, because I knew I had what it took. I had the love, patience and the determination inner me to raise a child that I created. But the first thing I had wanted to do was finish my education. That was more important. What I wanted was a list of qualifications, prospects and some experience in life to be able to give back to my children one day, if I had any.
Soon I realised after having my first son that my role as a mother automatically turned into routine for my child, to give him a stable upbringing. But sometimes this routine caused me not to embrace and enjoy time for myself.
As mothers we can lose focus, forget about our own needs and lose touch of who we were before we had our children. We try so hard to prove to others that we are capable of doing the job just so not to be judged. But if you're doing your best, why should it matter to anyone else? Why does it matter who judges you? Who is anyone to question your decisions and tell you that your best is not enough?
As mothers we have one body, one mind and if we are constantly on the go providing, cooking, cleaning, maintaining the home, supporting our children, doing the school run, working, or possibly loving a partner/husband. Where is the time for us to be at our best? Where is our 'me' time? Where is the time to gather our thoughts, ideas and creativity on life? It gets to that point, which one feels she is failing, because she can't keep up. And yes, it's only then that we realise that we need change.
Some people think that because you are strong, you're not supposed to feel fed up, or have days where you just feel like giving up. It's assumed that because we have more than one pair of hands, juggling life's daily duties, we are in control. But as mothers we have our ups and downs. It's not everyday things will go according to plan. It's not every minute of the day that our children will behave. It's not every day that we will look our best. It's not every day we will get it right. After all, we are human.
We do our best, sometimes without support and it’s nice sometimes to get the encouragement to keep going. We don't need criticism, or insensitive comments about what we are doing wrong. Because with every wrong comes a right. The main thing is that we are doing our best.
When I look back on the past year and I think about the direction my journey has gone, I've had both amazing and frustrating moments all in one. On occasions I felt like I was stuck in a maze and couldn't find my way out. I even experienced the feeling of being suffocated under water, to the point I was unable to breathe. It's funny because I have never been one to give up on anything, but for some reason I was trying to be positive and it wasn't happening.
Then one morning, I woke up and it was like something clicked in my head. I was positive again. It was time to start doing amazing things for myself. Time to open many doors that were waiting for me and behind each door was a new adventure. I realised that I did a lot of waiting around in 2016. Instead of getting into 5th gear and making sure I accomplished certain things. I sat around waiting for good things to happen. I was available for everyone else, but not available for myself. I hadn't done anything which was right for me. It was like I'd forgotten about me. All I had done was worry about things that were not in my control and the things that were in my control, I wasn’t changing.
Yes, things happen in time and sometimes we make the wrong choices, but there is so much one can do at the same time.
So for 2017, I've decided, I'm going to start embracing life again. I intend to travel, go on holidays, venture out with my friends regularly, socialise, meet new people, join the gym, get into kick boxing and live, because no one said that by being a mother you had to stop living.