Have you ever reached that point in your life where you're so tired, that not even sleep can revitalise your body? Reason being that your soul is so tired, sleep is not even the cure. Nomatter what you try to do to snap out of the tired mode, your body can't fight it. You draw yourself into a darkness, where you no longer see the light. Your eyes are open, but mentally they are shut.
Every morning you need a few extra minutes rest and you still find it difficult to get out of bed in the right frame of mind. The thought of your day scares you, because you know it's the same old routine, the same people to face and a day full of chores.
People know you as being energetic, full of life and ambitious, but the only thing keeping you going is the thought that maybe one day, things will get better, easier, so you try to remain positive.
When you are someone like me, who is constantly on the go, working, providing, looking after children, trying to run a business, writing, maintaining a home, trying to have time for yourself, which always ends up being time spent with others, you sometimes lose sight of life being amazing.
You can't rely on anyone but yourself, because when you do, people only let you down. You work hard, pay more attention to motivating and supporting others that you forget about motivating yourself.
Maybe you are under the illusion that things will get better if you just wait. When in reality nothing will change unless you prompt it and actually make things happen. People expect you to behave in a certain manner when it comes to dealing with various situations, but how would they deal with those same situations if they were in your shoes?
Then it gets to the point, that your head is clustered with thoughts and your mind is so full that you need to free it. Who wants to suffer with a migraine on a daily basis, from the constant pressure and tension that builds up in your head?
You are a positive person, but sometimes life gets to you to the point you lose yourself and become angry, anxious and disappointed. You're tired of trying, tired of struggling, tired of hoping, tired of forgiving, tired of settling and tired of being strong. It doesn't mean that you are weak, or have no goals in life. You are just caught up in some sort of coma, where it's difficult to wake up.
Recently, I realised I was tired of being patient. When you wait and wait and nothing happens, you lose faith.
I was tired of not coming first. Tired of understanding, but not being understood. I was tired of accepting, tolerating and allowing myself to be dragged through emotional turmoil. I was tired of waiting for things to change and only hearing excuses. I was tired of feeling guilty for feeling the way I did. But the main thing was, I was forgetting about me. Forgetting that I'm the most amazing human being that exists. No matter how much I want to hold on to certain things, I have to expect change.
I've been tired of certain issues, the back and forth and tired of praying that things will work out.
Who likes working and constantly paying bills? I guess I was tired of that also. Always being there for others when no one was there for me. Looking out for everyone elses interests and forgetting my own. Tired of smiling when deep down I was crying. I was tired of feeling weak and trying to be strong at the same time.
Now I know, I just have to let it go! Let go the anger, the hurt and the emotions. I need to find my balance, my happiness, my new energy. Because everyone else is focusing on themselves and my happiness isn't a priority.
When you allow negative people, negative situations into your mind, you allow them all into your soul. It affects your spirit and your connection with the universe. It becomes draining, tiring and most definitely heartbreaking. But those who judge you on the way you react, don't understand because they view life in a different way.
The only way to gain your sanity back is to remove yourself from every situation in order to free your mind of what you've consumed. Your thoughts control everything. Your thinking process controls your stress levels and anxiety. Changing that thinking process and not allowing certain thoughts to control your mind relieves your mind of the burden. It gives you a lighter weight.
So I've decided that in order to move forward, I have to remind myself of who I am and what I want in my life. But in saying that, know what I will not accept either.
I am beautiful I am unique I am precious I am courageous I am strong I am honest I am helpful I am intelligent I am amazing I am ambitious I am intelligent I am diamond I am brave I am understanding I am unstoppable I am loving I am caring I am educated I am a mother I am a giver I am a creative I am bold I am a dreamer I am in control I am a leader I am No.1 I am 1 in a million I am a Queen I am thankful I am a survivor I am determined I am polite I am a traveller I am adventurous I am me I am not tired I am alive